“I love her very much, but dear God, if it be Thy will to take her, I submit to Thee…if my flesh is so strong, what can my spirit do? God has given no bishop so great a gift in a thousand years as he has given me in her. I am angry with myself that I cannot rejoice in heart and be thankful as I ought…the flesh is sorrowful and will not be content, the parting grieves me beyond measure. I have sent a saint to heaven.” -Martin Luther on the death of his daughter Magdalene
It has been 12 weeks since our precious Dabney was born to heaven, and my heart is still broken. Everyday I scramble to pick up these pieces and put them back into place only to discover there are too many to count. And, no matter how much progress I think I am making it only takes one event, one situation…a baby’s cry, an infant baptism, a friend’s touch, a movie, a kind word, and my heart breaks all over again. I cannot predict it nor do I see it coming.
I read, I pray, I weep but the pain still feels fresh and raw. The seemingly ever present pain makes me cherish each moment of happiness all the more.
“We spend so much time planning, calculating, setting out expectations, and storing up for the future. These are all important aspects of being human. But outside these day to day exercises, the most basic human experiences are totally out of our control. When we are born. When we take our final breath…This exercise of waiting, and of experiencing a lifetime of little fulfillments, does my heart good.” –Sandra McCracken
Happiness – Frustration – Sadness – Humility. This is the cycle my emotions are in lately. Even though I can identify which one I am experiencing, each one seems to surprise me. The good thing about this cycle is that it ultimately brings me to my knees before God in frevent prayer and petition. The future frightens me. Not knowing whether God will bless us with healthy children, is terrifying. And, although “we spend so much time planning, calculating, setting our expectations. [T]he most basic human experiences are totally out of our control.” I can only trust God is in control and that He delights in my happiness and mourns in my sorrow. I pray God increase my feeble faith and ease my anxious heart.
“Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” -2 Corinthians 4:16-18
4 comments:
Jamie and Matt,
I continue to keep you both in my daily thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing your feelings through this blog, I hope it brings comfort and eventually healing. I wanted to pass on a blog from a woman who attends our church who has experienced the same type of loss. Her words I hope will help you navigate this difficult journey of grief, and feel that you aren't alone in this. Her blog is www.onceuponatucker.blogspot.com I will continue to pray diligently for you both.
Lauren McAfee-I work with Jamie on the CSU
I think about you often and am so glad you created this post. There is often healing in words and sharing. I can only hope this helps you as you continue to seek ways to honor Dabney and heal the part of your heart she will always occupy. Please let me know if there is ever anything I can do for you - my sister-in-law says she still has the pictures of you for when you're ready.
I sit here with a broken heart tonight, missing Noah. I hate that we have had to bury our children. It's unbelievable. I'm pleading with God for peace tonight because it feels like more than I can handle...in the same breath I am praying for you. You and Matt only walk a few steps behind us on this journey...you don't walk it alone. I'm so glad you are looking to Christ for your comfort.
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